It has taken me over a week to write this post. Something that on paper should be so simple. Just a short note to explain my absence over the last few months. It’s ridiculous it’s been so hard. I have pondered and procrastinated. I have typed and deleted. This paragraph alone must be my third draft! All I want to say is in the months I have been gone anxiety stole my life. However, even in today’s society where mental health openly discussed, I feel almost shameful to admit that I let it take hold that bad.
As a lifelong anxiety sufferer, it never really goes away, but there’s periods of highs and lows. I was in remission (what I call it) for a long long time, but the last few years haven’t been easy. I have tried to manage it, some days more successfully than others, but in general, I have been doing Ok. That changed at Christmas.
Anxiety has a horrible habit of worming its way back into one’s life so easily and so quickly. It only has to take one thought, one action or one situation to occur at the wrong time and everything can go to pot! That is exactly what happened to me.
I won’t go into too many details, but I was involved in a situation that knocked my confidence so much more than I realised at the time. And so much more than I actually admitted to anyone. I wasn’t really involved per se in what happened, but indirectly it left me in a situation I had no control over. A situation I could not get out of. For the first time in years, my heart began pounding in my chest, the room felt small, and I felt distant from everyone. I wouldn’t say I had a full on panic attack but it was close.
For me, it’s the fear of panic that effects me the most. I don’t know if its the lack of control or people seeing me vulnerable. Perhaps it’s a mix of both. I didn’t really know who I was any more and I felt I let myself down. My confidence disappeared and I reacted how I often react. I ignored everything, my blog, my friends, my return to work. The more I ignored it, the more my confidence dropped. I did what I had to do to get by. To the outsider looking in, I probably appeared quite normal. I smiled, I chatted, but I only did what I HAD to do.
So for the past few months that is where I have been, hiding in plain sight, but behind a very big shadow of doubt.
Happily, the last few weeks I have been feeling a little bit like my old self. It’s a long road ahead, but at last I’m finally heading in the right direction. I have set into motion the plans I had for my blog at the beginning of the year. Although nothing much is changing in terms of Southern Mummy being a parenting and lifestyle blog. I am going to have a focus or niche around Natural World, hence the slight rebranded Logo and tag line – Love, Life and Mother Nature!
Onwards and Upwards I say!